Shame Is Toxic | The Cure Week 2

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The voice of shame is killing us.

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It is literally eating us from the inside out

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and we are swallowing it, we are tolerating it.

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And every single day we are agreeing

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with who we are when shame tells us.

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Navigating our current reality can feel like

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a dangerous and terrifying jungle

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full of snakes ready to bite.

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But today we find the cure.

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- What you're about to watch today

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can literally change your life.

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Hey, I'm Kyle, the community pastor

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for Crossroads Church online.

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We exist to help you get to a new place with God.

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If you want, you can email me,

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and I'd love to connect with you and help you take

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the next step in your life at Crossroads.

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We so believe that God has better for you

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than you have right now, that we're willing

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to do anything short of sin to help you

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see and experience Him,

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including sometimes wearing silly hats.

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Let's jump into it.

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- Hey, everyone, welcome to Crossroads,

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I'm Hannah.

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- I'm Kyle, and you're joining us

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in a series called The Cure.

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- It's the cure for all the stuff that ails us

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like shame and apathy and depression

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and all the stuff that contributes to that,

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like social media influencers and fake news

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and cancel culture, all of that.

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- All of it and this week, we're going to be talking

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about the toxicity of shame, that feeling of,

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"I'm never going to be good enough.

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I'm not good enough."

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And if that's you, man, this week is for you.

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- Yeah, because we're going to find it. You know why?

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- We're going to find the cure? - I got a map.

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- Okay. - Yeah, got it on eBay.

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It was like four or five hundred dollars. I forget.

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- Oh, my gosh, that much?

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- But if we don't find the treasure,

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we get a 50% refund within three days.

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- Exciting. - So let's go find it.

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- So it's here? - It's here.

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- We've got to go now. Okay, so let's do it.

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It's probably like a juice cleanse or something, you know.

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- Or essential oils. - Or meditation or something.

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- Something all the cool people are doing.

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- Like a Smoothie King, like that or like --

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- There it is, oh, my gosh. - Not what I was expecting.

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- What do we do? - OK, I brought the thing.

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- Okay, great. Like a shovel or a pick ax.

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- Okay. No, this is not what --

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Okay, you got that off eBay.

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I was on Wal-Mart.com,

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this is not what the picture looks like, dude.

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- It's smaller than I thought it was going to be,

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I'm going to be honest.

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- This will be fine. Get in there. Get in there.

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- What do we got? Oh, my gosh.

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- Oh, there it is.

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- Oh, we got bones of things.

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- Like things, like - - Yeah.

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- Okay, but that doesn't look like the cure, Kyle.

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- No, no, we've just got trust, just trust the process.

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- No, not that process. Okay, you know?

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- That's what you do with it.

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- Unfortunately it does not look like we found the cure.

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But I think that our friend Alli

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does have some good things to say

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about The Cure to the Toxicity of Shame.

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Let's catch up with her right now.

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-Deep in the South African wild, the black mamba snake

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is one of the deadliest in the world.

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The snake's fangs act like a hypodermic needle,

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injecting venom quickly and efficiently.

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It only takes two drops of venom to spread

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toxic poison throughout the bloodstream.

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Luckily, if you act quickly, there is a cure

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and you can survive.

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First, a tourniquet is used

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to stop the spread of the poison through the body.

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Next, oxygen and respiratory support is given

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because the heart and lungs are weakened

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from the spread of toxins.

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Finally, the antidote to the venom is injected

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directly into the bloodstream to neutralize

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and eventually overcome the poison that is being spread.

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Now, while few of us will actually ever encounter

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a black mamba, maybe even more dangerous

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are the toxins we encounter every day.

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Navigating our current reality can feel like

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a dangerous and terrifying jungle full of snakes

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ready to bite.

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And just like a snake venom travels through our bodies

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and attacks our organs, the poisons

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of racial injustice and polarizing politics

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that assault us in our news feeds

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and social media accounts can quickly spread

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through our minds and hearts to damage

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and shut down our healthy thoughts,

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beliefs, emotions, and actions.

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The good news is that while deadly,

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there is actually a cure to everything toxic in our lives,

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an antidote within our reach that will restore health

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and vibrancy to our minds and hearts.

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Just like treating a deadly mamba bites,

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we can cut off the poison of shame that says

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we cannot be repaired and turn to the cure of love

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that makes all things new.

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When our bodies and souls are shutting down

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under the stress of daily life, we can fill our lungs

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with life sustaining support from the Bible,

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the Word of God.

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And when it feels like our broken hearts

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will never heal and there is no hope,

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we can inject ourselves with the truth of God,

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the antidote that will neutralize

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the poison affecting our entire world.

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- The voice of shame is killing us.

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It is literally eating us from the inside out

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and we are swallowing it, we are tolerating it,

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and every single day we are agreeing

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with who we are when shame tells us.

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Hey, everybody, I'm Alli,

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and today we are going to talk about that voice.

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We want to be able to hear it.

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We want to know where it's coming into our unique lives.

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And I want you to be able to diagnose it

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and know the cure.

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Jesus has the cure for shame.

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Do you ever question the things that replay in your mind

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like those memories you just can't quite get rid of?

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I'm willing to bet a lot of those

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are actually about shame.

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Maybe you remember the first day you walked

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in the high school weight room and you thought,

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"Oh, crap, I don't know how to use

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any of these machines and everyone else does."

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Maybe you still remember the word you got out on

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in your fifth grade spelling bee, like I do,

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or maybe you lost your kid in a movie theater

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and then two weeks later in the dark on Halloween.

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Oh, wait, that was me, too.

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These kind of stories, these kinds of experiences,

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they want to tell us who we are because of what we did,

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that we are in some way weak, bad, not good enough.

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I mean, good moms don't lose their kids in movie theaters.

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Right? And those experiences tend to lodge in our brain

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and just kind of reverberate there.

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They become the entry points

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for the voice of shame in our life.

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And you should care about silencing this voice,

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because far too often this voice

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is making us hide from ourselves,

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from other people in our life, even from God.

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Some of us hear this voice every day,

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we look in the mirror, we hear this voice,

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tell us who we are and we agree.

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And we live really small lives as a result.

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Thinking, "Yup, sounds about right,

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and it's probably never going to be any different."

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Some of us really don't.

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We're actually just fine.

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You would say today, "You know what? I'm all good.

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I don't really think about my past too much."

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Maybe when you look in the mirror,

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you just don't look at those body parts.

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You've just kind of become an expert

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at avoiding any time that shame

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might have something to say to you.

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No matter which end of the spectrum

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you kind of trend toward, shame is running the show

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far too often in our lives.

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You know, the Bible

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and psychology actually agree on shame.

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Shame is universal.

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It is the one universal human experience.

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I mean, there can't be any others,

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but human beings all experience shame.

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And it's because we're made imperfect.

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We're made to grow and mature.

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We live in an imperfect world steeped in sin

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and imperfect bodies and imperfect lives,

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which gives shame plenty of opportunities

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when we mess up to call us "un" something unworthy,

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unqualified, unlovable.

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Whatever it is, shame is correlated

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with some nasty stuff in our lives.

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The research shows that shame is correlated

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with all kinds of things like anger and rage,

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depression, suicide attempts, personality disorders,

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eating disorders.

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I mean, you all, we are literally

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turning against ourselves because of

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this voice of shame that we hear all the time.

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And to make matters worse, we've actually created

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for ourselves a culture today that we all live in

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where shame can absolutely thrive: cancel culture, right?

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It's the new thing, the new phenomenon,

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at least our new term for it anyway.

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And what is the definition exactly?

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Let's just say the definition of cancel culture together.

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The definition is:

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Canceling is something we've watched go down

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in our culture over the last year

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like maybe never before.

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You know what happens.

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It starts with an accusation.

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It doesn't even really have to be true.

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It could be without merit completely.

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And then a critical mass of people jump on board

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quick to judge and really slow to ask questions.

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Guys, this is practically a recipe for shame

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to overtake our lives.

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The threat of judgment, random accusations,

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lack of compassionate understanding,

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and a super high cost of screwing up.

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And that's exactly why you and I today,

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we have got to get the Good News from Jesus about shame,

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because He actually brought great news for us,

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even in the middle of a culture like this.

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You and I, we are not canceled for our sin.

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Jesus doesn't have the least bit of interest

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in punishing you forever more

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for all the screw ups in your past.

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He actually says that your sins can be forgiven,

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gone, wiped away, and He goes even further

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when it comes to shame.

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What could be further than freedom?

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Well, He says He can turn the very places

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that you and I are so desperate to hide from other people,

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the very places of our shame,

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He can turn into the richest connection with Him

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and with other people.

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Jesus promises freedom from our shame.

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It is possible.

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But we first have to figure out

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how exactly is it getting into our lives.

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So we're going to make a diagnosis.

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I really want you to be able to make a diagnosis

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about where shame is coming into your life.

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And it comes through all kinds of doorways.

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I mean, it will walk through any doorway

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that we give it in our lives.

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And listen, who doesn't love a good diagnosis, right?

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This is going to be fun.

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My son came to me a couple of weeks ago

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and I don't know if you do what I do

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when I want to diagnose something that's happening

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to me or one of my kids.

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I take a picture of it. I Google it.

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I compare it to things I find online.

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I actually send it to anyone

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connected to anything medical.

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If you're a doctor or nurse in my life,

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you have a picture of my kid's rash on your phone

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probably right now.

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But that's what I did. I looked at other pictures.

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I was like, is it more gold or pink?

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Is it raised or flat? Is it in patches? Is it itchy?

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You're scratching something right now, aren't you?

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Just love to talk about rashes.

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But seriously, let's do that with shame.

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Let's get in there. Let's zoom in on it.

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Let's take a picture of it.

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Let's really get acquainted with how it looks

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and feels so that we can see what it's doing

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inside of us and inside of our lives.

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And maybe you think I'm going too far

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with this whole diagnosis thing but, man,

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I just think we're so used to it,

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we don't even realize it shouldn't be normal.

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We shouldn't feel like this all the time.

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We don't have to.

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So what happens when shame hits us?

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How does it look and feel?

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Well, on the inside, I mean, you know this.

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You've felt it just like I have.

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It's like this intense wave of emotion.

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It's a warm rush, like a flood that leaves

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in its wake that terrible feeling of being exposed,

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like you've been found out.

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Just like when I zoomed in on my kids rash,

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shame does that too.

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It zooms in on any kind of flaw, any kind of mess,

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any kind of imperfection, any kind of sin.

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And we become convinced that that little square

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that we're zooming in on,

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that's actually all of who we are.

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That's what shame wants to tell us, "That's it.

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That's who you are." And worse yet,

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"That's all anyone else in your life sees either."

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So what do we do?

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We do things like we don't look people in the eye,

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we wish the ground would just kind of swallow us up,

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right, when that wave of shame kind of washes over us?

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We don't want to be anywhere near other people.

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I know that you've been there.

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I certainly have, and my word

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for the impact on my life is paralyzed.

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Shame stops all forward movement.

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It makes us really small.

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It keeps us really quiet

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and it is suffocating the life that God made you for.

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Any good diagnosis also has to rule stuff out. Right?

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Like it's not that.

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When I did the rash with my with my son,

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I was like, "Oh, good. It doesn't look anything like

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some of those terrible things that I'm seeing."

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One of the most important things

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that we have to understand that shame is not

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is shame is not guilt. Shame is not guilt.

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Guilt is about what we did.

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Guilt focuses on behavior.

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Guilt says you did something

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and shame says you are something.

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Shame says you are something because of what you did.

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Now God wants us to deal with our guilt.

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He wants us to deal directly with

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our behavior when we sin.

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And Acts 3 actually tells us exactly how to do that.

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Act 3:19 says:

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God does not want us to pretend that we're not guilty.

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Sometimes we feel guilty because we are guilty

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and we need to deal with that behavior, and guilt,

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we can deal with it.

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And there's an end to it.

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We can apologize. We can repair, we can pay the fine.

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I know that there are lingering consequences

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in our life sometimes because of our guilt.

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But God's intention, end of the day,

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is to wipe it out and to bring refreshing.

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With shame, oh, no,

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you don't get off the hook that easy with shame.

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No end in sight, my friends,

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because that is now who you are.

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When shame comes over us, we all feel it the same.

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But it gets in through all kinds of different doorways.

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Now, I'm going to tell you a few

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and I don't want you to think I'm trying to diagnose you.

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I don't want to stereotype you.

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But all I want to say is you've got to think about this.

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You've got to get wise to how shame is coming in.

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Which doorways is it using in your life?

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And there are some common ones that we understand

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are really pretty common for men in our time

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and for women in our culture right now.

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And I don't think any of you are going to fit this perfectly.

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I know shame has its own way with all of us.

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But women, I think that you're going to understand

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what I mean when I tell you that

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shame really goes through, for a lot of women,

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the doorway of do it all perfectly.

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You have a ton of different roles in your life

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and you're supposed to hit them all at 100% all the time,

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even when they directly contradict one another.

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You're an employee or a boss.

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You're a girlfriend or a wife.

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You're a friend, a daughter, a mother,

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a keeper of all the things.

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And you need to workout and eat

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and cook like Martha Stewart and break glass ceilings

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and organized like Marie Kondo at home.

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And you better be kicking booty at all of it,

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I mean, 100% all the time and you'll figure it out.

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I mean so-and-so does, why can't you?

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Shame will take any doorway, any doorway that we give it.

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Now men, I realize I'm kind of on a limb here,

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but I have read and I do understand.

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And at the risk of like reverse mansplaining or something,

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I just want to mention a few of the things

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I think are common to the shame stories

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that are maybe in the life of some of the men.

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And men, your doorway could maybe be said

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to one sentence, and that is: don't be weak.

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Don't be weak.

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Shame loves to talk to men about weakness of any kind.

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I understand that some of you have stories of shame,

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like for real shame around not knowing

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the size of your tires or the technical name

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for what's wrong with your HVAC,

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especially if the guy asking you

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has a lot of hair or a lot of muscles.

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Shame loves to talk to men about being weak.

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Anxiety at the urinal, anyone? In bed?

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Obviously, strong men don't have that problem.

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And maybe in public, your girlfriend, your wife,

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your sister, your mom looked braver, stronger,

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better at something than you.

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What a nightmare, especially in front of other men.

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Shame loves that.

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Shame would love to say, "Yeah, sounds about right.

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You're weak like that. Not good enough."

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Now some of us see this coming

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and we just avoid these situations altogether.

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We know exactly, maybe even instinctively,

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where shame is going to speak to us

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and we just won't go there.

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We don't want to hear it.

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And we kind of know at the end of the day

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it's just going to turn against us,

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so we just won't do it.

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But there's one door where we all have for shame

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that we can't do that with, we cannot avoid it,

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and it's called our past.

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Our past, this is the common doorway for all of us,

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because we all have one and none of them are perfect.

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Some of us our biggest doorway for shame

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is a really big gaping hole in our past.

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We failed and it was awful and everybody knew about it.

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And even still today,

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shame will just not shut up about it.

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Even when you paid the price, even when you fixed it,

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even when you knew you were forgiven,

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and that's because shame requires a different cure.

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Nearly 20 years ago, I had an affair.

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I've talked about it before and it's awful.

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It's a terrible story.

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It's probably the worst moment of my life

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without question, and it's not fun to bring up again.

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I actually hate it. I hate that part of my life.

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I hate who I was.

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I hate that part of my story.

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I would give anything to change it, anything.

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And I can't,

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so it's the perfect thing for shame to feed on.

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Shame feeds on three things:

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secrets, silence, and judgment.

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And believe me, in an affair, there is plenty

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of all three of those things to go around.

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Even after confessing, even after doing

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the hard work of repentance and restoration

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and counseling and rebuilding, all of that,

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it didn't matter.

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I was still completely shut down

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by the voice of shame in my life.

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I had convinced myself in my mind

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that being ashamed was humble.

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That surely if I couldn't change

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this awful part of my life, the least I could do

00:21:09

was feel bad about it, to pay the penance

00:21:12

of living in shame for the rest of my life.

00:21:15

It actually seemed right because

00:21:18

there really wasn't any doubt in my mind,

00:21:21

or anyone else's,

00:21:22

that I had failed in the worst possible way.

00:21:25

Maybe you have one of those.

00:21:28

Do you have a public failure of your business?

00:21:31

Have you disappeared into rehab for 30 days?

00:21:33

You got those abortions?

00:21:34

You drained someone's college account with your gambling?

00:21:37

Something you and pretty much

00:21:38

everyone else in your life agrees was awful.

00:21:42

Seriously, what do you do?

00:21:45

What do you do now?

00:21:47

There's no changing that part of your story,

00:21:50

and that is why shame absolutely loves it.

00:21:54

And for me, I lived really small for a long time.

00:22:00

I was terrified of just confirming again

00:22:03

what I knew everybody else already thought,

00:22:07

and I agreed with them.

00:22:08

I kept very few friends,

00:22:10

I would not allow for any kind of deep connections,

00:22:14

and I completely hid from any kind of exposure.

00:22:18

But the more I move toward Jesus in my life,

00:22:22

the more I began to believe what He said in the Bible,

00:22:28

that I was actually a new creation.

00:22:31

That's what He says, that when I come to Him,

00:22:33

I'm a new creation.

00:22:35

And it really called into question

00:22:37

this voice inside me that was saying

00:22:39

all kinds of things about who I really was

00:22:42

because of what I'd done.

00:22:45

Shame and its voice started to feel

00:22:48

really inconsistent with the Word of God.

00:22:52

More years went by for me, and I felt like

00:22:54

God was urging me toward the church.

00:22:57

And then even years after that towards seminary,

00:22:59

where shame would be happy to take a run at me again

00:23:02

and say, "Who do you think you are here?

00:23:05

Nobody else has this story.

00:23:07

You are disqualified, absolutely unworthy."

00:23:13

Shame does not give up.

00:23:15

Shame will not stop talking.

00:23:19

Even today when I give a message like this,

00:23:21

I hear, 'Why are you talking about this again?

00:23:25

You're just going to look terrible again.

00:23:28

It would be better to just not say anything

00:23:31

about it ever again."

00:23:34

And I have to say no to that.

00:23:38

I have to say no to that,

00:23:39

because shame thrives in silence.

00:23:42

Shame thrives when things are secret.

00:23:44

Our past doesn't have to come up every day,

00:23:46

and believe me, I am so grateful for that.

00:23:48

But any time our goal is to lock something down

00:23:52

and push it away and make it a secret,

00:23:55

then shame is going to have its way with us.

00:23:59

Shame is always going to want to make things

00:24:02

a secret again, because it's in that moment

00:24:05

that we start to fear the judgment

00:24:07

of everyone else all over again.

00:24:10

Like recently when I made a new friend, you know,

00:24:13

as a grown up that doesn't happen all that often.

00:24:16

I mean, I love my friends,

00:24:17

but new ones don't come along all that often,

00:24:20

is all I'm saying.

00:24:21

And I got to know this new person in my life

00:24:23

and she's awesome.

00:24:24

And we were just chatting on a run one day

00:24:25

and she said, you know,

00:24:26

we were talking about something relevant.

00:24:28

And she said, "I could forgive my husband

00:24:31

for a lot of things, maybe almost anything.

00:24:34

But the one thing I could not forgive him for

00:24:36

is an affair. That's just a deal breaker for me."

00:24:47

I died a little inside because I walked away thinking,

00:24:51

"I really like that person

00:24:53

and shame is telling me, 'Forget it, forget it,

00:24:57

you can't be friends, you can't tell her your story.

00:25:00

You're going to have to keep it away from her

00:25:02

because she'll just be like everyone else

00:25:05

and she will judge you.'"

00:25:06

And that's exactly what shame wants us to think.

00:25:10

And we have to say no.

00:25:13

Shame thrives on even the threat of judgment,

00:25:16

even if we think we might be judged for it.

00:25:19

And when we agree and we lock up our stories,

00:25:22

all the things that have caused us shame in our life,

00:25:25

it doesn't go away.

00:25:26

Silence is not the cure for shame.

00:25:29

The voice of shame gets louder when we do that.

00:25:31

I have not heard the last of shame, and neither have you.

00:25:34

I just slowly started to realize that shame

00:25:37

was this completely separate thing with its own cure.

00:25:41

And it starts with identifying the voice and saying, "No."

00:25:47

No with my words and no with my life.

00:25:50

Shame is a parasite that feeds on your agreement with it.

00:25:55

And it is time to stop,

00:25:57

God has something so much better for you.

00:26:04

- Shame hits us all differently,

00:26:05

but we all experience it and there's incredible hope

00:26:09

in Alli's story and in our lives.

00:26:10

- Hey, if you're struggling with shame

00:26:12

and you want to get help, we're here for you.

00:26:15

We would love to talk with you and to pray with you.

00:26:18

- And by we we mean us, really. - Yes.

00:26:20

- You can email me Kyle.Ranson@Crossroads.net.

00:26:23

- Or you can chat with me at Hannah.Sheppard@Crossroads.net.

00:26:27

Or you can chat with us at Crossroads.net

00:26:29

by clicking the chat button in the lower right corner.

00:26:32

- Now we're able to be there for you

00:26:34

and get you support and help because of people

00:26:36

who have partnered with us to spread this message of hope.

00:26:39

If you want to do that, you can jump in

00:26:41

and give a Crossroads.net/give.

00:26:43

The money goes to some incredible things.

00:26:45

- Absolutely. So let's pick back up with Alli

00:26:48

and learn more about The Cure from Shame.

00:26:58

- God is not interested in canceling you.

00:27:00

He wants you free.

00:27:02

He is not the one who is shaming you.

00:27:05

Let me say that again:

00:27:06

God is not the one who is shaming you.

00:27:10

As a matter of fact, He sent His Son Jesus

00:27:12

to make a clear way available for you

00:27:15

to escape the voice of shame in your life.

00:27:18

I want you to listen to the incredible words of Romans 8

00:27:21

for anyone who will come to Jesus for their freedom:

00:27:45

Jesus's death and resurrection means

00:27:47

the charges against you and me, they're dismissed.

00:27:51

The voice that's telling you them day after day

00:27:54

and who you are because of it, he is a liar.

00:27:58

And shame is not God's discipline for you.

00:28:00

It's not you getting what you deserve.

00:28:02

It's not you being humble.

00:28:03

Shame is not your life sentence from God.

00:28:06

He wants you free, just like Jesus came to free

00:28:09

one of His friends who was absolutely paralyzed in shame.

00:28:13

Peter was his name.

00:28:15

He was one of Jesus's two closest friends,

00:28:17

and he was a big, bold guy.

00:28:20

And Jesus absolutely loved him like that.

00:28:23

They had the Last Supper, the last dinner together

00:28:26

before the night that Jesus died.

00:28:29

When Jesus announced at dinner

00:28:30

that Peter's faith was going to get tested.

00:28:32

And Peter kind of pushed back and he was like,

00:28:34

"No, no, no, I'm good.

00:28:36

As a matter of fact, I love You and I would die for You.

00:28:38

I'll do anything for You."

00:28:40

He gives this big pronouncement of his faith to Jesus,

00:28:43

and just hours later, Peter denied Him three times.

00:28:49

He watched Jesus get arrested

00:28:50

and three times in the courtyard

00:28:52

where Jesus was being held, Peter denied even knowing Him.

00:28:57

He failed God, he failed his friend

00:29:00

at the worst possible time, and he failed himself.

00:29:03

He did exactly the opposite of his very own words.

00:29:07

And worse yet, they never got to speak again.

00:29:10

Jesus went and He died on the Cross the next day,

00:29:13

and Peter went into a life of shame.

00:29:17

Can you even imagine the shame?

00:29:22

Until that is, Jesus came back to set them free.

00:29:27

Listen to their exchange in John 21:

00:30:10

So here he is, it's the resurrected Jesus, He is back.

00:30:15

And He came specifically to get His friend out of his shame.

00:30:22

Jesus didn't give him a pithy saying.

00:30:24

He didn't give him good teaching bullet points.

00:30:26

He actually did the cure.

00:30:29

Jesus modeled the cure for shame

00:30:32

when He sat down with His friend and connected.

00:30:35

We will always need connection

00:30:38

to be a part of our cure for shame.

00:30:41

And not just any kind of a connection,

00:30:44

courageous connection.

00:30:45

The only reason that I am happily married today

00:30:48

to the same great guy 21 years later

00:30:51

is because of connection.

00:30:53

The closer I got to God,

00:30:54

the more I realized I can't hide from this.

00:30:57

I've got to connect with God,

00:30:58

I've got to connect with others.

00:31:00

And dealing with shame is always

00:31:01

going to require that of us.

00:31:03

We are always going to need real connection,

00:31:05

because what we really want to do is hide

00:31:07

and we've got to do the opposite.

00:31:09

You are going to have to connect with a friend

00:31:11

to break through shame.

00:31:13

You're going to have to sit down in chairs

00:31:15

and you're going to have to tell the story

00:31:18

of what's making you ashamed.

00:31:19

And Jesus came as that friend for Peter,

00:31:22

just like only a good friend can do for you.

00:31:26

He came and He went to Peter and He wanted him free.

00:31:30

And the first thing He made him do was

00:31:31

to look straight at his failure.

00:31:32

We can only take that from our best friend, right?

00:31:36

And that's what Jesus made Peter do.

00:31:39

His first question was, "Do you love me more than these?"

00:31:43

Almost certainly He was trying to make Peter

00:31:46

remember his own words from dinner,

00:31:48

"That even if these guys fall away, I won't."

00:31:51

Jesus made him look it straight in the face.

00:31:55

To be free of shame, we cannot hide from it.

00:31:58

The next thing that Jesus made Peter do

00:32:00

is repeat his answer three times.

00:32:02

Maybe you even got tired of listening to me

00:32:04

read their interaction because it was repetitive.

00:32:08

He did it three times.

00:32:09

And he happened to do it the same number of times

00:32:12

that Peter denied him.

00:32:14

Did you notice something broke on the third time?

00:32:19

Jesus knows how far down our shame is.

00:32:22

He knows how to get it to the surface.

00:32:24

He knew Peter was hiding and He pushed until it broke.

00:32:27

And I hope you heard it, even in Peter's response

00:32:29

as it was recorded, he said,

00:32:30

"Lord, you know that I love you."

00:32:33

And maybe he was thinking, "Why are you doing this to me?

00:32:35

Why are you punishing me?"

00:32:37

But Jesus wasn't punishing him.

00:32:39

He was just going, reaching all the way down

00:32:42

in to the very depth of his shame.

00:32:44

And it took multiple times until it broke on the surface.

00:32:49

And last Jesus called Peter, also three times.

00:32:52

He called him back to the life that He really had for him.

00:32:57

He wanted Peter to be that big, bold guy

00:33:00

with big, bold faith.

00:33:01

He didn't want him to stay hidden.

00:33:03

He was basically saying, "Come out,

00:33:05

come back to who you are.

00:33:07

Don't stay in this tiny little place."

00:33:09

And I guarantee you, without this interaction,

00:33:12

Peter would have lived small.

00:33:14

He would have gone back to fishing.

00:33:16

He would have had a quiet, hidden life of shame

00:33:18

for his absolute failure.

00:33:21

But Jesus would not have it.

00:33:22

And He doesn't want it for you either.

00:33:25

Jesus is calling you to come out of your shame,

00:33:31

and the cure is courageous connection.

00:33:34

That is the only cure for shame.

00:33:36

You're going to have to open your mouth.

00:33:37

You're going to have to sit with a friend

00:33:39

and you're going to have to tell the story

00:33:41

that is causing you that private, awful shame.

00:33:45

That's the only thing that's going to change

00:33:47

the voice that you hear in the mirror.

00:33:48

It's the only thing

00:33:49

that's going to break it on the surface.

00:33:51

In this cure there's a couple of things

00:33:54

we have to talk about.

00:33:55

And given the name, it won't surprise you.

00:33:57

The first one of those is that courage is required.

00:34:00

In courageous connection,

00:34:02

courage is going to be required of you.

00:34:04

So get ready for it because

00:34:05

it's baked right into the title of the antidote.

00:34:08

You're going to be unsure.

00:34:10

You are not going to want to do it.

00:34:12

You're going to be unsure and afraid,

00:34:15

and you're going to have to talk anyway.

00:34:17

There's no halfway.

00:34:19

If you want out, it has to come all out,

00:34:22

absolute open acknowledgment,

00:34:24

not the yada, yada, yada version.

00:34:26

You know that version where you say,

00:34:27

"You know, friend, I did the thing

00:34:30

with the guy in the place." Not that version.

00:34:32

No one understands better than me how awful this feels,

00:34:36

how scary this is for you.

00:34:38

I wish I could give you a hug myself, to be honest.

00:34:41

I wish there was another way, and there's not,

00:34:44

so don't bother waiting until you feel ready.

00:34:47

There's a shame researcher, her name's Brene Brown.

00:34:49

Her stuff is awesome.

00:34:52

And she says this, I love this quote from her. She says:

00:34:55

You learn courage by couraging.

00:34:57

Courageous connection requires couraging,

00:35:01

and you only learn how to do it one way.

00:35:03

The other thing you have to know about the antidote,

00:35:05

this courageous connection antidote for shame,

00:35:08

is that not only courage is required,

00:35:10

but connection is required, and not with your dog,

00:35:15

with humans, as many times as it takes.

00:35:18

Maybe you lost your kid at the movie theater, too.

00:35:21

And you and I, we can just sit down

00:35:23

and have a cup of coffee.

00:35:24

You can tell me real quick about it and, you know,

00:35:27

we'll be done with it. That would be great.

00:35:29

But I'm telling you,

00:35:30

the deeper and longer your shame is in there,

00:35:34

the more times of connection you may need to get over it.

00:35:38

It may need to happen more than once.

00:35:41

Not only do we see this model with Jesus

00:35:43

when He came at Peter three different times

00:35:46

on the same issue,

00:35:48

but I actually talked to a psychologist about shame

00:35:50

and she told me something fascinating.

00:35:53

She said the research shows that three times

00:35:56

is actually a really big deal.

00:35:58

I kind of hope you're wowed by that.

00:35:59

Turns out Jesus and modern psychology agree

00:36:02

that three times is a really important number

00:36:05

for breaking the grip of shame.

00:36:08

She said you actually start to feel lighter.

00:36:11

Can you imagine this grip loosening,

00:36:14

like being shaken loose?

00:36:17

Revelation 12 talks about the power of our own words

00:36:21

in this process of getting free, it says:

00:36:37

Shame, guys, shame is an accusation

00:36:40

from the very enemy of God,

00:36:42

accusing you of being somebody that you're not.

00:36:48

Shame wants to tell you who you are

00:36:50

because of what you did.

00:36:51

And if you want victory over it,

00:36:53

you are first going to need the blood of the Cross.

00:36:56

Jesus's payment at the Cross means

00:36:58

there is no condemnation for you.

00:37:00

You are not who shame says that you are.

00:37:03

You are a new creation in Christ.

00:37:05

And once you know you've been forgiven,

00:37:07

once you understand what the blood of the Cross

00:37:10

really did for you, then the enemy knows

00:37:12

he only has one play left,

00:37:14

one play in his playbook with you, and it is shame.

00:37:17

It is to try to tell you something different.

00:37:20

If you want to break the accusations

00:37:22

that shame has spoken over you,

00:37:24

then you're also going to have to use

00:37:26

the word of your testimony.

00:37:27

You're going to have to open your mouth

00:37:29

and you're going to have to speak it out

00:37:31

and not shrink from it, not hide from it, not conceal it.

00:37:34

If you want out, you've got to go all in.

00:37:37

And the death blow, the death blow to shame, you all,

00:37:41

is dealt when you courageously connect

00:37:43

with another imperfect person.

00:37:46

Another person who's going to listen to your story

00:37:48

and they're going to look you in the face

00:37:51

and they're going to say the two little words

00:37:53

that shame cannot survive.

00:37:55

They're going to say, "Me too."

00:37:58

We have to hear these words.

00:38:00

We have to hear other people tell us,

00:38:02

"I feel you. I've been there.

00:38:05

I've had my own."

00:38:08

We have a tendency to think that talking like this

00:38:11

is weak, because it kind of exposes us, it lays us bare.

00:38:15

But nothing could be further from the truth.

00:38:16

It is the height of courage, the absolute height of it,

00:38:20

and it's the way that you fight.

00:38:22

If you want out of shame, you got to go all in.

00:38:25

You go all in on Jesus and then you go all in on His cure,

00:38:29

the cure of courageous connection.

00:38:32

I've got a challenge for you.

00:38:34

You've got three months and in three months,

00:38:36

I want you to tell your shame story,

00:38:38

the one that you don't want to talk about,

00:38:40

the one you've been thinking about this whole time,

00:38:43

I want you to tell it to three different people,

00:38:45

three different times and loosen its grip.

00:38:48

Because when we receive the forgiveness of Christ,

00:38:51

we're free.

00:38:53

And we need to speak that out so that shame can be broken,

00:38:57

that the enemy will lose his grip on you.

00:39:00

Freedom is waiting for you

00:39:02

on the other side of courageous connection.

00:39:06

I want you to say yes.

00:39:08

I so desperately want this for you.

00:39:10

Right now we're going to worship together,

00:39:13

and when we do, I want you to practice saying yes.

00:39:15

And maybe you're not all the way to a yes yet.

00:39:18

And I really want you to get there

00:39:20

and the words of this next song are going to help you.

00:39:22

I want you to stand up, if possible,

00:39:25

and I want you to practice saying yes to Jesus

00:39:28

and to His cure for shame.

00:43:30

- Right here, right now, you have a choice.

00:43:34

You have a choice right where you're at

00:43:38

to say yes to Jesus.

00:43:40

Well, let me tell you, when you say yes to Him,

00:43:43

it means that it is exactly that, it's a choice.

00:43:46

So you choose to be joyful

00:43:49

instead of harboring bitterness.

00:43:52

You choose to love instead of like being in fear.

00:43:57

You choose to hope

00:43:59

instead of to partner with hopelessness.

00:44:01

Friends, even Jesus said you can't be both hot and cold.

00:44:05

You can't be both hot and cold,

00:44:07

so you got to make a choice.

00:44:10

So what are you going to do?

00:44:13

This right here, this is a moment

00:44:17

where you can choose those things

00:44:20

and follow in the ways of Jesus.

00:44:22

And let me tell you, all my friends here,

00:44:24

we would say yes to Jesus over and over again

00:44:27

because we've seen Him

00:44:29

conquer all the noes we've given Him.

00:44:33

We've seen Him lead us to a better place.

00:44:38

So let's choose.

00:44:40

Let's choose right now.

00:44:42

Sing this with me.

00:48:27

- Thanks for joining us today.

00:48:28

To hear more from Crossroads music any time,

00:48:30

head a crossroads.net/music

00:48:32

or listen wherever you get your music.

00:48:34

- Yeah, at Crossroads we go

00:48:36

and we're about making a difference.

00:48:38

In every community right now, healthcare workers

00:48:41

are feeling tired and forgotten, and that's not okay.

00:48:44

So we're launching Fuel for the Fight,

00:48:46

a way to refill and refresh our healthcare professionals,

00:48:49

and we need you.

00:48:51

-You can visit Crossroads.net/GO to get in the game with us.

00:48:55

Next week on the Crossroads weekly,

00:48:57

Chuck's going to talk about The Cure to the Toxicity of Pride.

00:49:02

- Pride is silent and hard to detect,

00:49:04

just like carbon monoxide.

00:49:06

And if left undetected, it kills.

00:49:08

In fact, pride is one of those sins,

00:49:10

one of those toxins that we usually realize a bit too late.

	Everyday Shame	4:35
	God Brings Freedom From Shame	26:56
	Courageous Connection	33:33
	Connection Is Required	35:10
	Worship: We Say Yes	39:35
	Worship: Build My Life	41:37
	Worship: How Great Thou Art	46:42

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